There was a time, from my adolescence until very recently that I thought “finding your true love” was finding a man that would hold you in his highest regard, loving you through and through, celebrating your strengths and being accepting of your weaknesses. A man that encouraged and inspired you, was your biggest cheerleader, walking hand in hand with the wonder of who you are.
It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve discovered that my True Love is not a man, not even a person outside myself – it’s ME. And in not doing all these things for myself, in not BEING all these things for myself, I sacrifice myself up in the hope of gaining that from someone else, from my dear (deer in the headlights?!) husband, my hopeful “true love”.
As I’ve begun to wake up, I’ve begun to notice where I haven’t spoken up, where I’ve shut my eyes, where I’ve justified situations so I could step out of the discomfort. As I’ve begun to wake up, and have begun taking more and more steps towards loving me, treating myself with respect and admiration, I can see the grumblings around me. It feels awkward and uncomfortable; it would be easy for me to slide into guilt for changing the rules, “being a bitch”, being “unreasonable”, but in agreeing with that, by sliding back, it dishonors me once again.
It’s an uncomfortable period for both of us, I’m not playing my part as I used to, rising in my own awareness and standing up for myself in fierce protection. And at the same time, feeling like the “bad girl” for changing the rules this late in the game. It forces my husband into a new role as well, one he’d not always prefer. There’s a lot of stretching of our limbs in our new surroundings, bumping elbows, stepping on feet. It’s causing quite a stir.
The best thing I can do, though, is stay the course and be TRUE to myself, my own best True Love, knowing that this too is all good. Trusting in him to be enamored with the new wholeness of me; more vibrant, interesting, and beautiful. Yet being willing to let go, trusting that I’ll survive the pain if he’s not loving the color changes in my wings. It’s all necessary. The change, the stretching, the discomfort, the rearranging. It’s needed to happen for a long time. I’ve needed to be my own True Love, honoring, cherishing me, going after what I need, looking out for what I want to manifest in my life. Looking for that in another is allowing myself to be THEIR vision of “right and good”. More a reflection of themselves. Which isn’t a bad thing….it just ignores the magnificence of what is right for ME.